Math Songs – A Calculus Carol

Written by: Denis Gannon
(to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree")

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.

Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy I'm beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
They're just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
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How to Guess the Number of M&Ms in a Jar

Adam Micolich has posted a video to show how using the “packing fraction” one can come up with a very accurate guess to the number of M&Ms in a jar.

How to Guess the Number of MMs in a Jar

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More math quotes

Still more astonishing is that world of rigorous fantasy we call mathematics. 
~Gregory Bateson

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At
best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe,
and not make messes in the house. 
~Robert Heinlein

You may be an engineer if your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

The trouble with integers is that we have examined only the
very small ones.  Maybe all the exciting stuff happens at really big
numbers, ones we can’t even begin to think about in any very definite
way.  Our brains have evolved to get us out of the rain, find where the
berries are, and keep us from getting killed.  Our brains did not
evolve to help us grasp really large numbers or to look at things in a
hundred thousand dimensions. 
~Ronald L. Graham

We could use up two Eternities in learning all that is to be
learned about our own world and the thousands of nations that have
arisen and flourished and vanished from it.  Mathematics alone would
occupy me eight million years. 
~Mark Twain

Can you do Division?  Divide a loaf by a knife – what’s the answer to that? 
~Lewis Carroll

Mathematics is the supreme judge; from its decisions there is no appeal. 
~Tobias Dantzig

Although he may not always recognize his bondage, modern man lives under a tyranny of numbers. 
~Nicholas Eberstadt

The mathematics are usually considered as being the very
antipodes of Poesy.  Yet Mathesis and Poesy are of the closest kindred,
for they are both works of the imagination. 
~Thomas Hill

I used to love mathematics for its own sake, and I still do, because it allows for no hypocrisy and no vagueness….
~Stendhal – Henri Beyle

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are
not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to
~Albert Einstein

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties; He integrates empirically. 
~Albert Einstein

If there is a God, he’s a great mathematician. 
~Paul Dirac

To all of us who hold the Christian belief that God is truth,
anything that is true is a fact about God, and mathematics is a branch
of theology. 
~Hilda Phoebe Hudson

The different branches of Arithmetic – Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision. 
~Lewis Carroll

Geometry is not true, it is advantageous. 
~Henri Poincaré

Infinity is a floorless room without walls or ceiling.

Physics is mathematical not because we know so much about the
physical world, but because we know so little; it is only its
mathematical properties that we can discover.
~Bertrand Russell

God is real, unless declared integer.

If a healthy minded person takes an interest in science, he gets busy with his mathematics and haunts the laboratory. 
~W.S. Franklin

Proof is an idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself. 
~Arthur Stanley Eddington

There was a young man from Trinity,
Who solved the square root of infinity.
While counting the digits,
He was seized by the fidgets,
Dropped science, and took up divinity.
~Author Unknown

One cannot escape the feeling that these mathematical formulas
have an independent existence and an intelligence of their own, that
they are wiser than we are, wiser even than their discoverers… 
~Heinrich Hertz

In the binary system we count on our fists instead of on our fingers.

The laws of nature are but the mathematical thoughts of God. 

In most sciences one generation tears down what another has
built and what one has established another undoes.  In mathematics
alone each generations adds a new story to the old structure. 
~Hermann Hankel

Twice two makes four seems to me simply a piece of insolence. 
Twice two makes four is a pert coxcomb who stands with arms akimbo
barring your path and spitting.  I admit that twice two makes four is
an excellent thing, but if we are to give everything its due, twice two
makes five is sometimes a very charming thing too. 
~Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

I know that two and two make four – & should be glad to
prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I
could convert 2 & 2 into five it would give me much greater
~George Gordon

Mathematics may be defined as the economy of counting.  There
is no problem in the whole of mathematics which cannot be solved by
direct counting.
~Ernst Mach

Nature does not count nor do integers occur in nature.  Man
made them all, integers and all the rest, Kronecker to the contrary
~Percy William Bridgman

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars.  That’s subtraction. 
~Mae West

I’ve dealt with numbers all my life, of course, and after a
while you begin to feel that each number has a personality of its own. 
A twelve is very different from a thirteen, for example.  Twelve is
upright, conscientious, intelligent, whereas thirteen is a loner, a
shady character who won’t think twice about breaking the law to get
what he wants.  Eleven is tough, an outdoors man who likes tramping
through woods and scaling mountains; ten is rather simpleminded, a
bland figure who always does what he’s told; nine is deep and mystical,
a Buddha of contemplation…. 
~Paul Auster

Why do we believe that in all matters the odd numbers are more powerful? 
~Pliny the Elder

Uneven numbers are the gods’ delight. 

One of the endlessly alluring aspects of mathematics is that
its thorniest paradoxes have a way of blooming into beautiful
~Philip J. Davis

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Introducing… Wolfram Alpha is the newest development by Stephen Wolfram. It is an “answer engine” as opposed to a search engine. It’s used to compute answers to questions. Being the idiot that I am, I couldn’t think of anything mathie to type in, so I opted for: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”:
Wolfram Alpha Screenshot

all fairness it’s actually pretty sophisticated tool that can tell you
all sorts of information about science, math, technology, geography,
weather, cooking, business, stocks, travel, music, and much much more.
It uses built-in models of fields of knowledge,
complete with data and algorithms.

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Why is life expectancy higher in Canada?

Taking a look at the table in wikipedia the life expectancy for Canada is indeed a bit higher than that of the USA. Peter Gillies asked this question and Bill O’Reilly answers it perfectly:
Well, that’s to be expected, Peter, because we have ten times as many people as you do. That translates to ten times as many accidents, crimes, down the line…”

Bill OReilly stupid answer

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How to Solve a Rubik’s Cube Videos

rubiks cube picture

Dan Brown takes us inside on how to solve the Rubik’s Cube:
Part 1
rubiks cube video part 1

Part 2
rubiks cube video part 2

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Cool math quotes

If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is. 
~John Louis von Neumann

Mathematics are well and good but nature keeps dragging us around by the nose.
~Albert Einstein

Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas. 
~Albert Einstein

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. 

Mathematics – the unshaken Foundation of Sciences, and the plentiful Fountain of Advantage to human affairs. 
~Isaac Barrow

I never did very well in math – I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally. 
~Calvin Trillin

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. 
~Phil Pastoret

A mathematician is a scientist who can figure out anything
except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an
~Evan Esar

Math is radical!

It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Arithmetic is where numbers fly like pigeons in and out of your head. 
~Carl Sandburg

Arithmetic is numbers you squeeze from your head to your hand to your pencil to your paper till you get the answer. 
~Carl Sandburg

If equations are trains threading the landscape of numbers, then no train stops at pi.
~Richard Preston

Even stranger things have happened; and perhaps the strangest
of all is the marvel that mathematics should be possible to a race akin
to the apes. 

So if a man’s wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics;
for in demonstrations, if his wit be called away never so little, he
must begin again. 
~Francis Bacon

The essence of mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple. 
~S. Gudder

The human mind has never invented a labor-saving machine equal to algebra.

The mathematics are distinguished by a particular privilege,
that is, in the course of ages, they may always advance and can never
~Edward Gibbon

Go down deep enough into anything and you will find mathematics.
~Dean Schlicter

It is not the job of mathematicians… to do correct arithmetical operations.  It is the job of bank accountants. 
~Samuil Shchatunovski

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.

Mathematics is not a careful march down a well-cleared highway,
but a journey into a strange wilderness, where the explorers often get
lost.  Rigour should be a signal to the historian that the maps have
been made, and the real explorers have gone elsewhere. 
~W.S. Anglin

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
~Paul Erdos

Let us grant that the pursuit of mathematics is a divine
madness of the human spirit, a refuge from the goading urgency of
contingent happenings. 
~Alfred North Whitehead

The tantalizing and compelling pursuit of mathematical problems
offers mental absorption, peace of mind amid endless challenges, repose
in activity, battle without conflict, “refuge from the goading urgency
of contingent happenings,” and the sort of beauty changeless mountains
present to sense tried by the present-day kaleidoscope of events. 
~Morris Kline

Mathematics is as much an aspect of culture as it is a collection of algorithms. 
~Carl Boyer

The cowboys have a way of trussing up a steer or a pugnacious
bronco which fixes the brute so that it can neither move nor think. 
This is the hog-tie, and it is what Euclid did to geometry. 
~Eric Bell

Sometimes it is useful to know how large your zero is.

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. 
~Eric Hoffer

Mathematics is the only good metaphysics. 

most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is
no good evidence either way.  Persecution is used in theology, not in
~Bertrand Russell

Music is the pleasure the human mind experiences from counting without being aware that it is counting. 
~Gottfried Leibniz

How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left
afterwards?  You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it
leaves 76 every time.

To most outsiders, modern mathematics is unknown territory. 
Its borders are protected by dense thickets of technical terms; its
landscapes are a mass of indecipherable equations and incomprehensible
concepts.  Few realize that the world of modern mathematics is rich
with vivid images and provocative ideas. 
~Ivars Peterson

With my full philosophical rucksack I can only climb slowly up the mountain of mathematics.  ~Ludwig Wittgenstein

But mathematics is the sister, as well as the servant, of the arts and is touched with the same madness and genius. 
~Harold Marston Morse

Pure mathematics is the world’s best game.  It is more
absorbing than chess, more of a gamble than poker, and lasts longer
than Monopoly.  It’s free.  It can be played anywhere – Archimedes did
it in a bathtub. 
~Richard J. Trudeau

I like mathematics because it is not human and has nothing
particular to do with this planet or with the whole accidental universe
– because like Spinoza’s God, it won’t love us in return. 
~Bertrand Russell

The man ignorant of mathematics will be increasingly limited in his grasp of the main forces of civilization. 
~John Kemeny

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Hilarious Math Jokes

Q: What’s nutritious and commutes?
An Abelian soup.

Q: What’s hot, chunky and acts on a polygon?
Dihedral soup.

Q: What’s sour, yellow, and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn’s lemon.

Q: What is brown, furry, runs to the sea, and is equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn’s lemming.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can’t cross two scalars.

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The Human Calculator – Scott Flansburg

  • Scott Flansburg was born in New York on December 28, 1963.
  • He served in the U.S. Air Force (1982-1988) and had a tour of duty with the Office of Special Investigations in Tokyo, Japan. He then returned to the United States and became an advocate of teaching math in an innovative fashion. 
  • In 1989 he drew the attention of Regis Philbin. Mr. Philbin is the individual that is credited for naming Scott, The Human Calculator during his appearance on The Regis and Kathy Lee Show. 
  • In 1991 he began working on a project called Turn On the Human Calculator In You, a series of tapes that was subsequently on Mike Levy’s Amazing Discoveries.
  • Turn On the Human Calculator In You was one of the most successful early infomercials touted as having in excess of 125 million viewings.
  • The follow-up product was called Mega Math with Kevin Tredeau (1996) which added a video and workbook and was later published by Tru Vantage International.
  • He has subsequently appeared on countless television shows including Oprah, Ellen, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Good Morning America, Discovery Channel’s `More Than Human’, and thousands of local radio and TV shows.

You can take a look at the infomercial here:
amazing discoveries calculator picture

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The 5 Pirates Puzzle

Five pirates (of different ages) have a treasure of 100 gold coins. On the ship, they decide to split the coins using the following scheme:

  • The oldest pirate proposes how to share the coins, and all pirates remaining will vote for or against it.
  • If
    50% or more of the pirates vote for it, then the coins will be shared
    that way. Otherwise, the pirate proposing the scheme will be thrown
    overboard, and the process is repeated with the pirates that remain.

that all five pirates are intelligent, rational, greedy, and do not wish
to die, what should the oldest pirate propose to a) survive and b) maximize his profit?

pirate skull cross bones

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