Funny Joke – The Integration of Pretty Little Polly Nomial

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Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through
a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition
that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly,
however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it
was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her
surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, 3 branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once
more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She
was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a
singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he
wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

       
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly
Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at
once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to
no good.

       
“Eureka,” she gasped.

       
“Ho, ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see
you are bubbling over with secs.”

       
“Oh, sir,” she protested. “Keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

       
“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator. “Your fears are purely
imaginary.”

       
“I, I,” she thought, “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

       
“What order are you?” the brute demanded.

       
“Seventeen,” replied Polly.

       
Curly leered. “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?” he asked.

       
“Of course not!” Polly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.”

       
“Come, come,” said Curly, “let’s off to a decimal place I know and I’ll
take you to the limit.”

       
“Never,” gasped Polly.

       
“Exchlf,” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless,
Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places
and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up.
She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would
soon be gone forever.

       
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by
parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went
all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be
multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating
until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

       
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it
was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly’s
denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L’Hopital and
generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the
place and drove Polly to deviation.


The moral of our sad story is this:

  If you want to keep your expression convergent, never
allow them a single degree of freedom.

Dictionary of Definitions of Terms Used in Math Lectures

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CLEARLY:
    I don’t want to write down all the “in- between” steps.
TRIVIAL:
    If I have to show you how to do this, you’re in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
    I hope you weren’t sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
    I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test…
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):
    I’m not about to do all the possible cases, so I’ll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
    Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
    This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
    I couldn’t verify all the details, so I’ll break it down into the parts I couldn’t prove.
HINT:
    The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE:
    Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, “and a partridge in a pear tree.”
SOFT PROOF:
   
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it
requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
    Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
    At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
    4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFA (The Following Are Equivalent):
    If I say this it means that and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing…
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:
   
I don’t remember how it goes (come to think of it I’m not really sure
we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the
rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
    I’ll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can’t question ’em if you can’t see ’em.
BRIEFLY:
    I’m running out of time, so I’ll just write and talk faster.
LET’S TALK THROUGH IT:
    I don’t want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
    Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
    I can’t find anything wrong with your proof except that it won’t work if x is a moon of Jupiter.
PROOF OMITTED:
    Trust me, It’s true.

Want an academic math job?

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Tom Hull has a great piece on job interview advice for academic type math jobs. He wrote it over 10 years ago but recently revised it two months ago. You can find his interview advice on his webpage.

There is a lot of articles out there written to help people get jobs and survive interviews, but this article is specific for math majors wanting to go into academics. It includes questions you should expect at an interview, questions you should ask, what to do after the interview, and how to prepare for it.
He also has a bit of salary and negotiation, which is very helpful. He suggests:
“I do recommend that, in pretty much all situations, you ask for a
higher salary during job offer negotiations … My reasons for
suggesting this are two-fold: … Most
faculty do not get paid enough, partly because Deans and Provosts are
supposed to keep salaries as low as possible. Asking for higher
salaries upon being hired helps “fight the good fight” in terms of
letting administrators know that we should all be paid more. But the
main reason to ask for more money is that this could be the ONLY
chance you’ll have to significantly increase your salary for a good,
long time. Most schools have very rigid policies for salary raises
… and
thus you might not see another significant rise until you get tenure
or promotion.”

So if you are looking for an academic job in mathematics, I highly recommend checking out his site for some tips.

Funny math pickup lines

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Being without you is like being a metric space in which exists
a cauchy sequence that does not converge.

Since distance equals velocity x time, let’s let velocity and time
approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

i = Ø when i am not with you.
Can I explore your mean value?

My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function.

You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.

Your beauty defies real AND complex analysis.

What’s your favourite linear transformation?

I’ll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Let’s take each other to the limit to see if we converge.

Come on baby, let’s off to a decimal place I know of and i’ll take you to
the limit.

Let me integrate our curves so that I can increase our volume.

Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.

My love is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded

My love for you is like a fractal – it goes on forever.

My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it
is always increasing. We’re going to assume this concave up function
resembles x^2 so that slopes are actually increasing.

You and I add up better than a Riemann sum.

You’ve got more curves than a triple integral.

If I were a function you would be my asymptote – I always tend towards
you.

I wish i was your problem set, because then I’d be really hard, and you’d
be doing me on the desk.

int[2x,x,10,13]?

I’m not being obtuse, but you’re acute girl.

You fascinate me more than the fundamental theorem of calculus.

I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect and union you.

Petals Around the Rose – Dice Game

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Play the game here:


      
      
      
      

   
             
             
             
             

 

The number petals around the rose is:

 

Instructions:

  • Press the “Roll dice!” button to start.
  • Try and determine how many petals are around the rose.
  • Press the “Display Answer!” button to see if you are right.
  • Once you have figured it out, don’t spoil the fun for others!


Good Luck!
(some of you will need it, lol)

Checkmate! Tough Dice Game

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The impossible (yet so simple) dice game.

Play the game:


      
      
      
      

   
             
             
             
             

 

The number of moves until checkmate is:

 

Instructions:

  • Press the “Roll dice!” button to start.
  • Try and determine how many moves there are until checkmate.
  • Press the “Display Answer!” button to see if you are right.
  • Once you have figured it out, don’t spoil the fun for others!

Background:

This game is based on the “Petals Around the Rose” dice game. Both games are easy in the sense that once you know the “secret”, you can easily determine the answer in seconds. After hearing of this game, I was able to figure out the secret immediately. Just remember, as in “Petals Around the Rose”, the name of the game is important. Note, however, you do not actually need to know anything about chess to figure out the secret.

Silly Math Fail Pics

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Mental attractiveness vs physical attractiveness
Mental attractiveness vs physical attractiveness


Learn to draw a camel by beginning with a triangle
Learn to draw a camel by beginning with a triangle

 


Counting Fail – Five bananas… err…
Counting fail

 


All double priced items half off…
All double priced items half off

 


3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions…
3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions

 


Math Test Fail
Math Test Fail

 


Look at the speedometer… Math Test Fail
Look at the speedometer Math Test Fail

 


Math Test Fail – Complimentary Angles
Math Test Fail - Complimentary Angles

 


Pac-Man Fail
Pac-Man Fail

 


Ninja Turtle Math Test Fail
Ninja Turtle Math Test Fail

 


Weather on Tuesday Fail
Weather on Tuesday Fail