Jokes

Funny Joke – The Integration of Pretty Little Polly Nomial

Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through
a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition
that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly,
however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it
was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her
surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, 3 branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once
more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She
was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a
singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he
wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

       
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly
Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at
once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to
no good.

       
“Eureka,” she gasped.

       
“Ho, ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see
you are bubbling over with secs.”

       
“Oh, sir,” she protested. “Keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

       
“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator. “Your fears are purely
imaginary.”

       
“I, I,” she thought, “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

       
“What order are you?” the brute demanded.

       
“Seventeen,” replied Polly.

       
Curly leered. “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?” he asked.

       
“Of course not!” Polly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.”

       
“Come, come,” said Curly, “let’s off to a decimal place I know and I’ll
take you to the limit.”

       
“Never,” gasped Polly.

       
“Exchlf,” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless,
Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places
and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up.
She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would
soon be gone forever.

       
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by
parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went
all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be
multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating
until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

       
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it
was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly’s
denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L’Hopital and
generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the
place and drove Polly to deviation.


The moral of our sad story is this:

  If you want to keep your expression convergent, never
allow them a single degree of freedom.

Dictionary of Definitions of Terms Used in Math Lectures

CLEARLY:
    I don’t want to write down all the “in- between” steps.
TRIVIAL:
    If I have to show you how to do this, you’re in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
    I hope you weren’t sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
    I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test…
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):
    I’m not about to do all the possible cases, so I’ll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
    Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
    This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
    I couldn’t verify all the details, so I’ll break it down into the parts I couldn’t prove.
HINT:
    The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE:
    Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, “and a partridge in a pear tree.”
SOFT PROOF:
   
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it
requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
    Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
    At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
    4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFA (The Following Are Equivalent):
    If I say this it means that and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing…
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:
   
I don’t remember how it goes (come to think of it I’m not really sure
we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the
rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
    I’ll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can’t question ’em if you can’t see ’em.
BRIEFLY:
    I’m running out of time, so I’ll just write and talk faster.
LET’S TALK THROUGH IT:
    I don’t want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
    Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
    I can’t find anything wrong with your proof except that it won’t work if x is a moon of Jupiter.
PROOF OMITTED:
    Trust me, It’s true.

Funny math pickup lines

Being without you is like being a metric space in which exists
a cauchy sequence that does not converge.

Since distance equals velocity x time, let’s let velocity and time
approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

i = Ø when i am not with you.
Can I explore your mean value?

My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function.

You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.

Your beauty defies real AND complex analysis.

What’s your favourite linear transformation?

I’ll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Let’s take each other to the limit to see if we converge.

Come on baby, let’s off to a decimal place I know of and i’ll take you to
the limit.

Let me integrate our curves so that I can increase our volume.

Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.

My love is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded

My love for you is like a fractal – it goes on forever.

My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it
is always increasing. We’re going to assume this concave up function
resembles x^2 so that slopes are actually increasing.

You and I add up better than a Riemann sum.

You’ve got more curves than a triple integral.

If I were a function you would be my asymptote – I always tend towards
you.

I wish i was your problem set, because then I’d be really hard, and you’d
be doing me on the desk.

int[2x,x,10,13]?

I’m not being obtuse, but you’re acute girl.

You fascinate me more than the fundamental theorem of calculus.

I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect and union you.

How mathematicians do it…

Aerodynamicists do it in drag.

Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.

Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups.

Analysts do it continuously and smoothly.

Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Banach spacers do it completely.

Bayesians do it with improper priors.

Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.

Combinatorics do it in as many ways as they can.

Complex analysts do it between the sheets

Computer scientists do it depth-first.

Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.

Decision theorists do it optimally.

Functional analysts do it with compact support.

Galois theorists do it in a field.

Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.

Geometers do it with involutions.

Geometers do it symmetrically.

Graph theorists do it in four colors.

Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.

Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.

Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.

Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely.

Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.

(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].

Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally.

Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.

Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.

Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.

Real analysts do it almost everywhere

Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.

Set theorists do it with cardinals.

Statisticians probably do it.

Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains

Variationists do it locally and globally.

Cantor did it diagonally.

Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn’t fit it in.

Galois did it the night before.

Mðbius always does it on the same side.

Markov does it in chains.

Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.

Turing did it but couldn’t decide if he’d finished.

Funny Math Limericks

There once was a number named pi
Who frequently liked to get high.
All he did every day
Was sitting in his room and play
With his imaginary friend named i.


There once was a number named e
Who took way too much LSD.
She thought she was great.
But that fact we must debate;
We know she wasn’t greater than 3.

 


A mathematician confided
That the M”Mobius band is one-sided
And you’ll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
‘Cause, it stays in one piece when divided.

 


A mathematician named Klein
Thought the M”Mobius band was divine
Said he: If you glue
The edges of two
You’ll get weird bottles like mine.

 


There was a young fellow named Fisk,
A swordsman, exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.

 


‘Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

 


Pi goes on and on and on …
And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger
When their digits are reversed?

 


If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here’s the value defined:
2.718281…

 


Integral z-squared DZ
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pis over 9
equals log of the cube root of ‘e’.

 


A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.

 


A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether the circle is round;
In a paper by Erdo”s,
written in Kurdish,
A counterexample is found.

 


There once was a log named Lynn
Whose life was devoted to sin?
She came from a tree
Whose base was shaped like an e?
She’s the most natural log I’ve seen.

 

Hilarious Math Pick-up Lines

I wish you were my calculator so I could plug my natural log into you.

I wish I was sin^2(x) and you were cos^2(x), so together we could be 1.

I wish our dot product were 0 so my vector could be normal to your unit circle.

I want to be a derivative so I can be tangent to your curves.

Why don’t you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to the simplest form?

How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?

Ever wonder what L’Hopital’s rule has to say about limits in the form of me over you?

Baby, can I be your integral, so I can be the area underneath your curves.

Can I plug my solution into your equation?

The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of
years, but you won’t know the volume of mine until tonight.

Math Grape Jokes

Q: What’s purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.

Q: What is purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
A simple grape, it has no normal subgraphs.

Q: What is lavender and commutes?
An Abelian semigrape.

Q: What’s purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.

Q: What’s purple, round, and doesn’t get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.

Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi

10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) Pie without e just doesn’t taste that good.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can’t.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi) is a really nasty number, but ln(e) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) ‘e’ is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler’s Number, pi doesn’t stand for squat.
2) You don’t need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can’t confuse e with a food product.

Science Jokes Made Easy

Let’s face it. Not all since jokes are easy to understand. Have no fear! Here some of the most common scientific notions which you might come across in a joke.

Physics 1: Newton’s first law states that a body in motion remains in motion and a body at rest remains at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

General/Miscellaneous 1: Asymmetry sounds like “a cemetery”. Asymmetry in physics and mathematics is a lack of symmetry. Something is symmetric if it is unchanged when transformed. For example, a sphere has rotational symmetry because if you turn it, it looks the same.

Physics 23: The half-life of a radioactive substance is the time it takes for half of it to decay away. Ordinary cats are said to have 9 lives, so the issue is whether a radioactive cat has 9 or 18 half-lives.

Biology 12: The word “staph” is an informal version of staphylococci, a type of spherical parasitic bacteria that bunch together in irregular masses.

Physics 35: According to special relativity, the length of an object decreases as the speed of the object increases.

Chemistry 14: The symbols for carbon, holmium, cobalt, lanthanum and tellurium are respectively C, Ho, Co, La and Te.

Chemistry 22: K is the symbol for potassium.

Chemistry 21: H2SO4 is sulfuric acid. Presumably, Susan drank acid instead of water.

So next time you see a sciency joke, you should understand it, K?

For more go to jupiterscientific.org