# Math Jokes

## Funny Joke – The Integration of Pretty Little Polly Nomial

Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through
a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition
that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly,
however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it
was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her
surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, 3 branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and
more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She
was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a
singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he
wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly
Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at
once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to
no good.

“Eureka,” she gasped.

“Ho, ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see
you are bubbling over with secs.”

“Oh, sir,” she protested. “Keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator. “Your fears are purely
imaginary.”

“I, I,” she thought, “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

“What order are you?” the brute demanded.

“Seventeen,” replied Polly.

Curly leered. “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?” he asked.

“Of course not!” Polly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.”

“Come, come,” said Curly, “let’s off to a decimal place I know and I’ll
take you to the limit.”

“Never,” gasped Polly.

“Exchlf,” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless,
Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places
and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up.
She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would
soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by
parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went
all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be
multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating
until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it
was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly’s
denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L’Hopital and
generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the
place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this:

If you want to keep your expression convergent, never
allow them a single degree of freedom.

## Dictionary of Definitions of Terms Used in Math Lectures

CLEARLY:
I don’t want to write down all the “in- between” steps.
TRIVIAL:
If I have to show you how to do this, you’re in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
I hope you weren’t sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test…
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):
I’m not about to do all the possible cases, so I’ll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
I couldn’t verify all the details, so I’ll break it down into the parts I couldn’t prove.
HINT:
The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE:
Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, “and a partridge in a pear tree.”
SOFT PROOF:

One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it
requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFA (The Following Are Equivalent):
If I say this it means that and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing…
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:

I don’t remember how it goes (come to think of it I’m not really sure
we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the
rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
I’ll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can’t question ’em if you can’t see ’em.
BRIEFLY:
I’m running out of time, so I’ll just write and talk faster.
LET’S TALK THROUGH IT:
I don’t want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
I can’t find anything wrong with your proof except that it won’t work if x is a moon of Jupiter.
PROOF OMITTED:
Trust me, It’s true.

## Math Grape Jokes

Q: What’s purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.

Q: What is purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
A simple grape, it has no normal subgraphs.

Q: What is lavender and commutes?
An Abelian semigrape.

Q: What’s purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.

Q: What’s purple, round, and doesn’t get much for Christmas?
A finitely presented grape.

## Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi

10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) Pie without e just doesn’t taste that good.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can’t.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi) is a really nasty number, but ln(e) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) ‘e’ is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler’s Number, pi doesn’t stand for squat.
2) You don’t need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can’t confuse e with a food product.

## Why is a set always excited?

It can’t contain itself.

## The definition of a topologist

A topologist is a person who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

## The Pope

Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.

## Old mathematicians

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

## The difference between engineers, physicists, and mathematicians

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn’t care.