Stats Jokes

Classic Math and Science Jokes

Below are some classic math/science jokes you all should have heard of by now! I love the flea joke (second last from the bottom) the best.


The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.

This just proves that …

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.


Q: “How many seconds are there in one year?”
A: “Twelve… January second, February second, March second, …”


The answer to a problem on the assignment was “log(x^3+1)”. One student copied his friend’s answers, but to make it less obvious he was cheating, he changed some of the answers slightly.

The grader looked at his answer to the problem and saw “timber(x^3+1).”


There are two groups of people in the world:
those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don’t.


This is apparently an old MIT football cheer:
E to the x, dy, dx,
E to the x, dx.
Secant, tangent, cosine, sine,
3.14159.
Square root, cube root, log base e,
Cheers for math at MIT.


Three statisticians went duck hunting one day. While walking along, they scared a duck and saw him flying off. The first statistician shot and missed by a yard to the right. The second shot and missed by a yard to the left. The third one yelled, “We got it!!”


A scientist has two large jars in front of him. One jar contains many fleas, the other jar is empty. He gently removes a flea from the flea jar, places it on the table before the empty jar, steps back, and commands “Jump,” whereupon the flea jumps into the empty jar. Methodically he gently removes each flea, places it on the table, says “Jump,” and the flea jumps into the originally empty jar.

When he has transferred all the fleas in this way, he removes one from the now full jar, carefully pulls off its back legs, and places it on the table before the original jar. He commands “Jump,” but the flea does not move. He takes another flea from the jar, carefully pulls off its back legs, and places it on the table. Again he commands “Jump,” but the flea does not move. Methodically, he goes through this same procedure with the remaining fleas, and gets the same results.

The scientist records in his notebook, “A flea, when its back legs are pulled off, cannot hear.”


Rene Descartes was sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The bartender came over and asked Rene if he’d like another round, to which Rene responded, “I think not.” Rene then promptly disappeared.

Statistician jokes

A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn’t have the personality to be an accountant.

Q: How do you save a drowning statistician?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an
an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had
lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get
to New York. A little later, he announced that a second
engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would
take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the
pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a
third engine had died…
Never fear, he announced, because
the plane could fly on a single-engine. However, it would
now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one
statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall back on lies.

Are statisticians normal?

Statistics are like a bikini – what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Statistics in the hands of an engineer are like a lamppost to a drunk–they’re used more for support than illumination.

The average statistician is just plain to mean.

The average Australian has one testicle and one breast and less than two legs!


Statisticians do it……

 

Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.

Statisticians do it when it counts.

Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.

Statisticians do it with large numbers.

Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.

Statisticians do it with two-tail T-tests.

Statisticians do it. After all, it’s only normal.

Statisticians probably do it.

Statisticians do it with significance.

Probabilists do it on random walks.

Probabilists do it stochastically.

Statisticians do all the standard deviations.